Where Life is real

Late Tuesday night, after lengthy conversation with Tom and Karin, each of us wrote a letter to my Dad, which Tom will give to Dad today as they discuss how to give my Mom the gift of release, of permission to turn her eyes homeward. Here is the letter I wrote.
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Dear Dad,

As Tom, Karin and I talked last night, we knew that you would need the support and agreement of all your kids, and since I cannot be there, I am writing to express my heart for you and Mom.

I look over my life with awe and amazement. You and Mom gave us a gift we can never repay, that we can only receive with thanks and seek to pass on to our own children. You loved each other, you loved us, and you loved God. You introduced us to our Lord and Savior.

When I left Davis on May 24, I felt sure that I would not see Mom’s face again until the blessed reunion of Heaven. In love, gratitude and trust, I released her into the tender care of God. Today, I became aware that this release, this entrustment to God, is a gift I need to give Mom. My desire is to communicate this message: “I love you, Mom; I trust in God and His care for you, just as you taught me to do; and I want you to know that if you cannot keep fighting for life and health, that I entrust you to God, and to His grace and mercy”.

Dad, these are surely the most challenging and demanding days you have ever faced. It is important that you know you do not face them alone – even in those moments of seeming isolation, you have the hearts of your three children, and the life partners we have chosen, along with the families God has entrusted to us. You have our enormous respect, undying admiration, and deep love, but not only ours – also of people around the world, who probably number in the thousands. And above all, you have Him who said “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you”.

I am proud to be your son. I am proud to carry your name. I strive daily, and always will, to follow my Master as faithfully as you have modeled for me all of my life.

I love you Dad. May God’s grace, mercy and peace surround you now and always.

Alicia joins me in sending our love, prayer and support.

Your son,
Rick
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Here is Tom's report on how Wednesday went:

Today was a big day. It was yet another day in which it was apparent that God is going before us as we walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. The way things happened showed God's fingerprints all over it.

It started last night. I got home to find an e-mail from Dad, two e-mails from the URC social worker, and an e-mail from Rick. Over the past few days it has become increasingly clear that we were bearing down upon that day when we would reach a fork in the road that would require a decision. All of those e-mails addressed the need to make a decision from one perspective or another. So I arranged a conference call that included all of us kids and spouses. We talked at some length and all agreed that we had come to a point where we were ready to tell God that He could have her back, and ready to tell Mom that she had our permission to turn her eyes homeward. And so, as the one who is here, Karin & Rick gave me permission to speak for them to Dad & Mom, and each of us wrote a letter.

Today I awoke to another e-mail from Dad, and then a phone call saying that Dr. DaSilva wanted to talk to us. Nice timing since I had planned on Monday to come over again today to see Dad & Mom.

When I got to Dad & Mom's apartment, Dad immediately raised the subject of the e-mails and the decisions. The question of how to raise the subject vanished; Dad threw the door open wide. He raised the issues the doctor had that required a decision. So I recounted the phone conversation with Karin & Rick. Dad was as close to the same place as it is possible for him to be given that it is his wife.

We walked over to the skilled nursing facility, got Mom and went to a private room where we could talk. The doctor told Mom, and us, that her blood chemistry over the last few weeks has been deteriorating and has been a matter of concern to him. However, this morning's latest results were shocking to him. She showed clear and pronounced signs of malnutrition and dehydration. So, from a medical perspective, there is only one way to arrest this and that is to place a feeding tube; nasally at first, and then surgically. The only other alternative, continuing on as she has, will result in slipping into a coma, probably within a week, and then death would follow in three weeks or less as body systems break down.

I wasn't sure how well Mom was tracking this, so I moved around so I was directly in front of her, holding her hands, and I described her choices again, and then I asked her what she wanted to do. This time Mom really did seem to be tracking. So I turned to Dad and asked him if this would be a good time for me to tell Mom what Karin and Rick and I had spoken of the night before. Dad nodded yes.

So I gently, loving looked into her eyes and told her of our conversation; that we loved her so much, that we were so proud of her and the way that she had lived her life to serve her Lord and to serve us. But, I said, if you are to tired to fight any longer, if you are too weary to continue, we want you to know that you have our permission to turn your eyes toward your heavenly home. We are ready to let God have you back, and we want you to know that it is okay to go if you are ready.

I should say, this wasn't a monologue. Mom responded back and forth with me. Now reaching up with her hand to cradle my face, then smiling and saying "I love you". When I spoke again of the certainty of death if she didn't accept the feeding tube, she asked, "Does Keith (her brother, who visited last weekend) realize this?" I assured her that he does, that he did not expect her to return home. And then, after listening and thinking for a moment, Mom said, "Well, it's quicker than I thought it would be....but I am ready to go." It was the most amazing conversation I have ever been a part of.

The doctor accepted Mom's answer and turned and asked if we wanted him to call the hospice organization. We said, yes. Then he turned to Mom and said that if she changed her mind there was still a little time before it would be too late.

Then Dad & Mom and I went to lunch at the deli. Mom was very quiet, seemed lost in thought, didn't eat much. And after lunch Dad & I went back to the apartment to schedule a meeting with hospice for Friday morning.

It was a most amazing day.

At this point, according to the doctor, it looks like Mom may have three days to a week of awareness with significantly increasing tiredness. One day she will slip into a coma and not wake up. From that point the doctor said it could be anywhere from one day to a maximum of 21 days before death will occur. The doctor said it should be pretty painless, but hospice will be able to provide anything she may need for comfort.

The main prayer point for Mom seems to be for comfort in coming days. The main prayer points for Dad are for continued support and strength especially emotionally and spiritually. Although he continues to amaze me, still he is losing a beloved wife of 65 years. And though I have no doubt of his faith, this kind of loss cannot help but bring an attack at the very foundations of his faith.

Finally, thanks to all of you for walking through this with us.

Tom