To a Divorcing friend

That’s a good start. You opened the envelope. I’ll take that as a compliment. I have no particular reason to believe that my name on the return address would prompt you to do so. And from what I gather, your decisions of late have not shown a lot of good judgment, so I figure there’s a good chance that • you won’t open the envelope; or that • you’ll stop reading before the end of the letter; or that • you’ll get to the end of it and write it and me off, concluding “he doesn’t know what he’s talking about…because he doesn’t know me in the first place. Not the real me. I was hiding, faking it the whole time I knew him.”

So why write? Beats me. It’s 2 AM, I woke up thinking about you and I can’t get back to sleep is a pretty good reason. Maybe if I write this all down I can salvage a couple more hours of sleep.

I don’t buy the part about not knowing you, if you were thinking that. I’ve seen this kind of thing happen enough to know that the enemy of our souls is a deceiver. He starts by lying to the man (or woman) in question. Then he gets us to lie to ourselves. Finally he gets us to start lying to our spouse and to our children and to our friends and to the people who have held significance for us over the past. That last step is the easiest.

Some of the lies I have heard other people say are “I never loved you” (which cuts no ice because it presumes I’m too stupid or inexperienced to be able to spot a faker). or “I still love you” spoken to a spouse, which is only true if love means some vaguely sentimental feeling or some claptrap like that. (I saw her on Sunday. Love doesn’t do what I see happening to her). To paraphrase Harry Truman, that kind of love isn’t worth a bucket of warm spit. Give me the muscular, sinewy love of acting selflessly for the good of another to whom a lifetime of promises have been made. Easy? No. Worthwhile? Yes.

Yeah, the lies of Satan are pretty unoriginal. I have been known to quip that there must be a book of lines people use when they walk out on their partners, because they always say the same things.

A truer statement would be “I decided my kids need to have 2 divorces in their future”. Two, because they’ll go through this one, and then, as statistics suggest, they’ll go through their own. Just as children of suicides are more likely to attempt suicide, children of divorce are more likely to divorce or be divorced in the future. No matter their age when they watched it.

Still reading? Thank you very much. Seriously. Because the odds are as I sit here that this is our final communication. Really, when you think about it. I mean, you appear to have chosen a path, and we truly are not so close that I expect this letter to influence your next steps. So having seen it play out before, my guess is that you may or may not keep this letter even a day, but whatever you do, you’ll write me off as one of those who just don’t understand. (But I do care. I wouldn’t be up at this hour if I didn’t.)

And maybe you’re right. Maybe I don’t understand some things. But some things I do understand. For example, I do not know whether you are currently experiencing joy (not happiness, joy). You might be feeling exhilaration like someone on a roller coaster. I will tell you this – it will not last. It’s not a roller coaster, it’s just the first two hills. Then the tracks end in ruin.

But I don’t know, like I said. Exhilaration might not be your experience right now. It’s at least as likely that you’re deeply depressed and riding a guilt coaster. Figuring that you are beyond forgiveness and grace. And so as James Taylor said in the song “Secret o’ life”: “Since we’re on our way down, we might as well enjoy the ride”.

The bottom line is, I believe your life still has value and the capacity for salvage. Spiritually, that will always be true. But you have placed yourself and your marriage on a path that will move you to places cut off from the chance to restore. And there may come a day – in all likelihood there will, based on my observations – when you will wish you had taken another try. Wish someone had added one more voice to those seeking to pull you back from the destruction that lies ahead.

I care. I think you have worth, hope and a future. I don’t write you off, though you perhaps have or may be writing me off.

So when the crash does happen (as it will, if you continue) I will feel pain, because you matter to me. I believe even now the crash can be avoided.

Now or later – you can contact me. If we lose track you can always find me on Google (or whatever may have replaced it down the road). There aren’t many of us with my last name, and right now if you Google me, you’ll find me. So I close with this: May you find joy. It’s out there and it is not far from you right now. But it is not on the current track.